here again (ed)
5:25 p.m. | Monday, Feb. 20, 2012

thank you, little diary, for being here. sometimes, everything i've built up in my life isn't enough, and instead of giving it everything i've got, i fall under the pressure of it all.

i'm fighting with food again. how can it be that not that long ago i was eating, healthy, and okay? and now, just like that, i'm fighting with soup broth and one cracker. it seems insane, but it's not really.

i had the illusion of okay. i had adjusted my idea of what "okay" meant. and now that i'm getting a taste of happiness, of the purest form of joy, and unconditional love that i've ever experienced, i can see just how much i was not okay. and still am not.

there is a possibility of getting into a treatment centre. i've been attending a seminar on depression and its causses, so i took the time to talk with one of the co-ordinators about my situation and how desperate i am.

the chance of pregnancy is strong. what bothers me is that even that isn't prompting me to eat. i haven't eaten anything substantial in over a week now. and i'm not even trying.

my body is trying to send me a message. i suppose it's time to actually sit down and listen. i'm about to be evicted, i have no job, i've pushed everyone out of my life, and nobody really knows...

what else have i got to lose?